Hearing the Truth

Prayer can be hard when there seems to just be a one-way thing going on. I know I don't get excited about prayer. I've been a Christian for 20 years now and so have had a lot of time to learn, to grow and to mature in my faith. Going through Bible College brought me to a new level and really allowed me to grow, especially in discerning the voice of God and learning more realistically just what it means to have Him direct and guide you.

But when it comes to prayer, I really struggle to put aside distractions and just dedicate myself to any form of intercession. Listening to God is all very well - since he does speak to us, no question - but there isn't a real passion there, as there should be. We talk revival and people can hype themselves up with expectation and a touch from the Spirit of God, but unless you live it daily and make that human effort to grow spiritually then not only can temptation start to bend you to its will but you can become more and more deadened to hearing His voice - the direction towards your destiny.

I make an effort to do what I can in maintaining a certain level of spiritual awareness - speaking in tongues, praying and reading the Word of God. What I lack is a) accountability; b) mentorship; c) mentoring; d) obeying God. It's this last one that really nags at my spirit. I do my utmost to put aside everything and just really pursue His countenance - it's just really hard for me at this stage in my journey to actually hear what He is saying to me, even if I do listen.

It has become a one-way thing purely because I have failed to maintain more than a basic level of communication with God. Prayers have not been heartfelt, nor have they come from the depths of my soul on more than an inconsistent and all too infrequent basis. My prayer life over this last year or more has been sorely lacking - in terms of power, product and perception. In reflecting on this, perhaps I can make a real effort to pray more - and to constantly remind myself of the importance and effect of praying both consistently and frequently.

Spiritual warfare is essential - especially now when so much of the world lives in darkness. Part of the reason that I am so physically and mentally drained is that I haven't kept up a regular prayer schedule but have given God something other than my firstfruits. Building yourself up in spirit is different than pouring out worship in a communicative form. Touching God doesn't come easily but in all my years as a Christian I should know the importance of not only living a life of worship but in living a life of daily prayer - real prayer.

So it has to start afresh - at least, that's the way I see it. I'm so tired right now that my fleshly self is crying out for rest, when I know that it's my spirit that needs to be refreshed. And since that can only come from one place, certain priorities need to be reviewed and adjusted.

God has been speaking to me, despite my inability to hear - and unwillingness to listen. I wanted to go to Japan for purely selfish reasons. They weren't even very solid reasons at all. My main purpose, I felt, was to be in a place where the gospel was needed and where salt and light could be sown into a dark place. Now I know, in retrospect, that this isn't my current calling. Sure, I may go one day, but right now I am where I am supposed to be. I wanted to run away from responsibilities here - especially my mundane and physically draining job. I'm sick do death (what? It's an expression...!) of my job and of not fulfilling a greater purpose. What I've realised now is that I need to just grin and bear it for a while longer as I build my spiritual life afresh and take stock of where I'm at since leaving that desert place.

It's been a few weeks since I gave up the soul-sucking addiction that was World of Warcraft but in that time I feel that I haven't really achieved much, save to spout a few words here and there and to intend to do things to bring me closer to my destiny. So I want to have the metier of being a successful writer - I will, zettai - but in order to achieve this goal, wouldn't it be wise to follow the course of so many other world-renowned authors, and to get a real education?

And so my initial intent was a good premise. I will go to university and study literature and/or linguistics. Whatever will improve my writing skills and not only allow me to write more professionally, but will give me the means by which I can get a foothold into the realm of publishing. Editing or proof-reading would come as second nature to me and could be a vocation, but my passion is in writing; and so I will accept the talent that God has given me and strive to get to the point where I am a full-time author, for His glory and my pocket.

That's right, I can't be a poor author. What sort of old-fashioned mindset is that? The successful writer is able to adapt to the circumstances - but is skillful enough to make a living off doing not only what he or she is good at, but enjoys to the point of getting an income purely from reciting a magnificent tale of heroism and achievement. Yes, fiction. However, in the shadow of such apologists as C.S Lewis, whose works are a true inspiration to one such as myself, producing works of non-fiction for the expression of my faith are also something to be mindful of.

Watch this space.

-Timotheos