A Far Cry From Then

There is a price we pay for being over-protective of our own lives. It can alter or perhaps hamper our destiny to a degree. It is good to make the right choices but sometimes the safest choice, though seemingly right, may cause us to look back and wonder how things would be had we taken more risks.

Of course, one possesses more wisdom now than they did three, five, ten years ago. It is in reflection that we can only speculate as to where our lives would be now had we chosen to approach things differently. If something had been loosed instead of being withheld; if more effort had gone into maintaining particular relationships; if life's journey didn't sweep us off our feet before we knew what was happening and the weeks turned into months, which became years of growing, pruning and oftentimes struggling to stay afloat as we endlessly plot(ted) a course towards our fate.

I will look back another year from now and realise just how much more insight I have - see how many good choices I made - see the mistakes I made in not following the best path. But it is only in retrospect that we can see the best possibilities. Time cannot be slowed and so in our express mission here on earth we are constrained by this inescapable journey towards a known that often feels very alien and unknown.

Mortality is more tangible than spiritual awareness of destiny. I hate to sound cynical but perhaps in choosing not to pursue a romantic relationship it has harmed me more than benefitted me. But how would one ever truly know this? So many 'ifs' surround the paths we tread. I am of two minds when it comes to destiny - perhaps this is why I find it difficult to make even the simplest of decisions. All bear a weight more than we could fathom. Consequences; reactions; parallels.

Being alone was never our intended fate. Eternal separation from God is the greatest punishment but one that many souls face. However, whilst here on this spherical habitat of which we are the true stewards, our understanding of our own lives is limited by what we can experience and imagine. What goes beyond the bounds of imagination is also beyond comprehension. Unlimited choices, major and minor, make us who we are: God's creation, destined for relationship with each other and with Him.

I daren't say too much about what is in my heart. After all, what individual wants to read the inadequacies of another. Pessimism breeds bitterness. Joy is so much more pleasant. I may regret being so distanced from humanity but these shields that have been erected have had years of solidification. In protecting my heart I have caused more regret than progress.

Progress is what gives us life. For without change and without continual movement and progression, the stagnation that ensues causes depression and isolation. For so long it was as if God was sparing this soul the agony of knowing loss when in fact it turns out that it is worse to never have experienced something and forsaken it than it is to have stood anchored within the bastion of solitary defense.

It was never my intention to let the desire for companionship be an affecting factor in the need for relationship. But one becomes so used to the hardened exterior that was first planted to avoid mistakes - when it is obvious that mistakes are unavoidable, truly - that one forgets how to relate.

We don't miss His blessings, we miss our own opportunities to bless.

-Timotheos
Candid development